Kids in a crate

After I saw this caged kids picture at Kimberly's, I had to see her two kids and raise her two with this:

It's an outtake from our recycled fitness toys photo shoot.

Mostly unrelated funny story: Once Jeff was flipping channels and "Snakes on a Plane" came on. I immediately yelled "M-f-ing snakes on a m-f-ing plane!" And he looked at me like I was completely insane, because somehow he had entirely missed the SoaP pop-culture moment.

But within about 30 seconds (no kidding), Samuel L. Jackson delivered the all-important line, and my credibility was rightfully restored.

Hump the Bump

Saturday morning: Chili Peppers 'n' pancake prep.

Spells R-E-L-I-E-F

• "Take savasana."


• "That concludes our winter pledge drive here on public radio."


• "One minute of abs and we are out of workout 1."*


• "The 3-hour meeting was cancelled."


• "OK, you can empty your bladder now."


• "You'll be getting a tax refund this year."


• [Child:] "Zzzzzzz."

*Forgive me, mother(hood uncensored), for I have skipped a day of shredding. I tweaked my neck somehow--not from the Shred--so I gave myself yesterday off. Today, though, it's back on. Even though I have company at home (a kid waiting out her "24 hours fever-free" quarantine).

What happens when your 1st grader is in a classroom with 3rd graders

Better yet, I taught her the version of the song that I remember, the one about the naked ladies dancing and the hole in the wall. Oops.

Happy Friday.

Steelers fanboy

Despite the rough start*, we did have a nice weekend, filled with the usual stuff (birthday party, Sunday school, ice-skating lessons) and capped off by just-the-four-of-us Superbowl party. Given that my parents met and married in Pittsburgh, I rooted for the Steelers and was thus richly rewarded. At one point Opie decided to go shirtless, which (of course, right?) prompted his father to paint his torso with a giant letter S (vaguely visible in the video).



*Thank you for understanding my need to post somber haiku. As Amy so rightly pointed out, this stuff has to come out in bits and pieces and that's what blogs are for.

If you ever tire of it and want the more cheerful version of me, you can always read my Family Fitness blog. Just so's you know.

Scrabble-icious

Hands down, the game my family is most obsessed with plays most often is Scrabble. I'm not even sure when this habit got started, but anytime my brother, sister, and I are together it is ALL ABOUT the Scrab. Being the Word Girl in the family, I assumed I would have a natural advantage, but that is not the case. My brother, the visual artist (and in recent years, his wife--another artist) is the undisputed champ. I talked him up so much that two years ago, one of our neighbors came over on Christmas Eve for a game just to see Steve in action (and got his butt kicked for his trouble).

Steve and his wife:

• have memorized all the 2-letter words legal in Scrabble
• brought a travel Scrabble set on their month-long camping honeymoon and played nightly
• keep track of all the games they play on a spreadsheet. Data gathered includes total points scored, who played the Q and Z, any bingos, and probably more obscure information too.

I still play against them. But I go into it knowing that if I come within 50 points of their scores, I've done really well.

We also do have an alternate game in case we are all tired of getting clobbered. Syzygy is a fast-paced, board-free version of Scrabble. Each player creates her own grid of interlocking words using letter tiles. You start with 9 tiles, and when you've used them all you call "Draw!" and all players must grab another. You then continue to incorporate these new letters into your crossword; you are free to change anything you've already put down. The game is over when all the tiles are gone and one player has a complete crossword with no leftover tiles. (And then, half the fun is checking everyone's work and arguing about the liberties they've taken with the English language.)

(Gift tip: If you're shopping for someone Scrabble-obsessed, they must read Word Freak by Stefan Fatsis. Both a fascinating character study and a how-to manual for Scrabble nerds.)

If you smelled blog blast on this one, bingo! (50 points to you.) Post yours by midnight tonight and you could win a fat pile of fun video games from EA.

The Quotable Thanksgiving, starring Opie and Nonnie

Dramatis personae:

• OPIE, a loquacious 3-year-old
• NONNIE, his great-grandmother
• GRAMMY, his grandmother
• PAUL, Grammy's gentleman friend

I. Wednesday afternoon. GRAMMY has taken OPIE to visit her workplace and is introducing him to her co-workers.

GRAMMY: This is Paul. He always helps me put your car seat in my car.
OPIE (suspiciously): That's not the Paul that belongs to you.


II. Thursday morning, NONNIE's living room.

NONNIE: Opie, come here and give me a kiss.
OPIE: I can't. I haven't shaved yet.


III. Friday morning, NONNIE's kitchen. She opens the newspaper to the obituary pages.

NONNIE: Anyone dead from around here?
PAUL (not missing a beat): Not from [this town]. I already checked.

Fin.

Perfect gift for Grandpa

Remember I said I was going to get my dad seamless socks this year? I changed my mind when I saw this:

Actual transcript of message left on my cell phone

(by my children at 7:30 p.m. while I was out and they were at home, ostensibly getting ready for bed)

Jo (aka Bossypants): Okay, now you can talk.

O: No, who was THAT talking?

Jo: That's just a girl. Now talk.

O: Hi. Hi Mommy.

Jo: Okay she's not going to be on there. You're leaving a message right now.

O: But I'm trying to tell you something. Why isn't she talking?

Jo: Excuse me for a minute. One second. [To O: She can't right now. She's busy with someone. You're leaving a message.]

O: I'm just leaving a message. Ummmm...

Jo: Put the phone to your mouth so she can hear you. Otherwise the only thing she's going to hear is [...]

O: I'm just leaving a message because I'm leaving a message and I don't want Daddy to be by me.

Jo: Ask her if she can come home and do something with you.

O: I'm just leaving a message. And now there's a message.

Jo: He just wanted to ask you if you can come home and do something with him. When you get home please wake him up and do something with him. Bye-bye!

Show-tune haters, click away now

You don't have to be an Obama Mama to appreciate this, but you probably do have to not loathe Broadway musicals.

There's Victorian, and then there's VICTORIAN

Photo Week, III: For the first part of our San Francisco adventure last month, we stayed in a lovely flat in Cole Valley that I'd found on Vacation Rentals By Owner.* It was tastefully decorated and conveniently located in a nice little residential/retail district (there was a wine and cheese shop directly across the street ... what more could you ask?). The plan was for our family to stay there from Saturday through Thursday, and then I'd decamp to the W for BlogHer and Jeff and the kids would head home.

When we had to extend their stay because Jo was in the hospital, we couldn't remain at our nice apartment, since it was already promised to some other lucky vacationers. The children's hospital gave us a list of hotels to try. We eventually found a room at a place near Japantown. It was small, clean, friendly, reasonably priced, and apparently had been decorated by a refugee from Lady Mildred's Victorian Theme Park and Former Brothel.

A sampling (with apologies for the poor quality--my husband went snapshot-crazy):






That last one was on the ceiling. Thankfully not in the bedroom. Be sure to notice how the "gold" "leaf" is flaking off.

*Highly recommended. If you are going away, with kids, for more than a few days, and won't be staying with friends or family, consider renting a house or apartment. For the same price as a hotel (often less) you get a full kitchen, separate bedrooms, a living area, and sometimes even laundry machines, a yard, and extra bathrooms. We've done it successfully in San Diego, San Francisco, and even Paris (before kids).

Almost famous

Thanks to my dealer Jenny for hooking me on Photofunia, an addictive toy perfect for Photo Week.

Blind item

Okay, Day 2 of Photo Week and I am totally cheating by 1) using an image that isn't really a photo and 2) using kid art that isn't even MY OWN KID'S. Jo received this from a classmate and it is too fabulous to keep to myself (it is also one in a series of five).

See if you can guess what superfamous performers are depicted here and what's happening in this scene. If you get it right I will send you a sticker from the dentist's office and some valuable cents-off coupons that my husband brought home from work.

View. Master!

We picked up this beauty on our last visit to Jeff's mother's house and its Attic o' Treasures. It was hers when she was a child -- so it's, like, an actual antique, but it still works. The spring on the advancing level is so tight that Jo can barely depress it far enough to move the story along, however. Parental involvement required.

We have a whole box of slides, too, each with "7 three dimension full color pictures": Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Disney on Parade, and travelogues from Rio de Janeiro to "Pennsylvania: The Keystone State."

*

I decided this is going to be Photo Week, since I am overwhelmed with work have lots of pretty pictures to share. And since great minds do think alike, Aimee announced that she's starting a photo contest. So check it out, shutterbugs.

Yes. I think that would be a VERY good idea.

The other day I had a babysitter come over for a few hours to play with Jo so I could get some work done. To my delight, they decided to make a lemonade stand together. (I mean, I was delighted that someone else was making the signs and squeezing the lemons and sitting out on the sidewalk shilling sugar water.)

That night, Opie announced: "Tomorrow, Jo can have a lemonade stand and I will have a ... a ... a BACON STAND!"

"Step right up, folks! Get yer crispy fried pork products right here!"

A little comic relief is in order

Some months ago we watched an episode of Zoboomafoo in which the final joke went like this:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Panther.
Panther who?
Panther no pants, I'm going swimming.

This, as Julie will attest, has now become the family tagline. A guaranteed way to make Opie guffaw is to bring out "panther no pants" and append anything you want on the end:

Panther no pants, I'm going to California.
Panther no pants, I'm going to the grocery store.
Panther no pants, I'm going to the moon.
Panther no pants, I'm going to make the doughnuts. (He doesn't get that one, but I do.)

His favorite version (he was the first one to say this, I have no idea where he got it): Panther no pants, I'm going to college!

I hope so, buddy.

So: Panther no pants, I'm going to have a good weekend and I hope you do too. We are home from the hospital and Jo is slowly getting used to the idea that yes (panther no pants!), she's going to take her medicine. She's scabbed and bruised and a little skinny but she's going to be just fine.

Bedtime non sequiturs

• Mommy! Where do rabbits live?
• My favorite large construction machine: is a forklift.
• Later can we go to the airport?
• Mommy! Did you know, that in Star Wars, Luke Skywalker's uncle's name is Owen?
• My fire truck is not sleeping.

And that's just one night's worth.

Disproportionately pleasing

(With a nod to Bub&Pie for posts of this genre)

1. Pulling up a whole dandelion, without breaking the root

2. Little boy in red rubber boots, jeans, and no shirt

3. Strange bedfellows from song shuffling (tonight: Red Hot Chili Peppers followed by Music Together)

4. Giving the bottle of salad dressing a vigorous shake

5. Coming across weird tableaux created by little kids (currently: fire truck ladders carefully positioned in front of entertainment center, so that teeny firemen could rescue victims hiding inside DVD player)

6. So You Think You Can Dance? this week!

7. The first gulp of iced tea of the day

8. Swistle Baby Names. Why do I find this topic endlessly fascinating? But I do.

And you?

This meme brought to you by Pre-Vacation Panic Week

**Updated below with hints

I am going out of town next week with the small ones (and no husband, lord give me strength). Therefore this week, am racing around like a hamster who just drank a couple of Red Bulls. Yay vacation, but the week before and the week after suck.

So this meme I saw at Lara's is just what I need tonight. Escapist, easy, requires audience participation.

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies (this shall not be regarded as the definitive list of my favorite movies -- but I do love them all).
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike out each quote when someone guesses correctly in the comments, and note who correctly identified the film.
5. NO Googling or using IMDb search functions (you're on the honor system here).

Here goes. I'll start you off with an easy one.

HINTS: Of the remaining films, one is a documentary, one is British, and one features a soundtrack that I've mentioned previously here on ye olde blog. Go to it!

1. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. Lady M, surely a Princess Bride in her day, gets this one.

2. I'll be typing for England!

3. Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.

4. I don't want to play the gender card right now. You want to play a card, let's play the "let's not die" card. mothergoosemouse had no trouble Finding Nemo.

5. Well, I would say that I'm just drifting. Here in the pool. Magpie's been musing since long before she was a Graduate.

6. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike! Jennifer tells us that living under the ponderosas is nothing like Being John Malkovich.

7. A pot. A pot belly. Pot bellies are sexy. Everything I know about Teresa is pure Pulp Fiction.

8. Ladies and gentlemen, when you look at this gorgeous couple, it's no wonder they're a household name all over the world like... bacon and eggs. Dancer Lara gets this one--I'm sure she's done her share of Singin' in the Rain.

9. Nobody said it. This time it's all me. Life isn't like in the movies. Life... is much harder. Call 911! A child is born at the Cinema Paradiso!

10. I'm not sure I agree with you a hundred percent on your police work, there, Lou. Heather knows that the zebras in Fargo are probably cool.

11. I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had other men love me before, but not for six months in a row. Even for young Lara, Sixteen Candles are no longer enough.

12. No! I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or your personality. Maggie is the Little Miss Sunshine in Cat's so-called life.

13. We are so lucky. We are so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs. There's no doubt that mothergoosemouse is one of the Best in Show.

14. Harry, there's enough C-4 on this thing to put a hole in the world! Once again, Lara is the Speed-iest one to get the answer.

15. I don't think it really helped me, in my love live; my nascent love life. I think that having won something like that could be regarded as being a significant liability.

Nothing says Christmas like a big frosty mug

Jo did a worksheet at school about the five senses, with a Christmas theme. "At Christmas I see...", "At Christmas I hear...", and so on. My favorite was "At Christmas I taste... rut biey." Mmm! I know I always enjoy a nice A&W with my roast beast.

And now: The 2007 Holiday Photo Outtakes Post.

Merry Christmas from your friends at the Headbangers' Ball!

When I'm done with this candy cane, I'm coming for you, Blondie

What he doesn't realize is that I've rigged up my extra super strong vacuum cleaner inside that fireplace. Perfect for sucking up little brothers.

As soon as he loosens his grip on that candy wrapper, he's out of here.

And then he was gone, leaving behind only a cheap ukulele. Happy holidays!