Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sing thee to thy rest

We lost our baby, our little boy.

We'd known there could be--would be--was something wrong for a few weeks (which is why I haven't been posting or commenting). The end finally came just yesterday.

The end, and the beginning of us missing him and wondering what if and if only.

Every day of these awful weeks, I took my prenatal vitamin, I avoided alcohol, I double-steeped my tea to lower its caffeine content. Just as I've been doing since the first days of my pregnancy. I wasn't hoping for a miracle. I guess I just wanted to prove (to whom, I don't know) that I did every last little thing that I could to protect him.

It wasn't enough. And I do know that it wasn't my fault.

But I hope my little boy knows how much he is loved. And that my heart is as broken as his little body is.

51 comments:

Heather said...

Oh no. My heart is breaking for your family.

He knows. He knew all along. That's why he chose you for his Mommy.

Binkytown said...

Mayberry, I'm so sorry. I hope you are alright and if you are not, I hope you know that there are a lot of us ladies out here holding you up right now through these days.

Damn it.

Lady M said...

I'm so sorry.

He knows how much he is loved by you. Thinking of you and sending our love.

julie @ the calm before the stork said...

Oh honey. Oh baby. I am so sorry.

Sending lots of warm warm hugs and love.

Ohhhh.

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

I am so sorry sweetheart.

Mandy said...

Oh my heart. I just wish to give you the biggest hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.

Magpie said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Much love to you, and the rest of the Mayberrys. Take care of yourself.

Suzanne said...

I'm so, so sorry. What a terrible loss. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family...

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking about you and your family.

American Mom In London said...

Oh MM! I am so sorry! Sending you huge hugs!

Bea said...

Oh, oh. I'm so sorry.

mothergoosemouse said...

So heartbreaking, and so unfair.

I love you guys. Wish I could be there to hold your hands and cry with you.

Julie Pippert said...

(hug)

Her Bad Mother said...

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I am so sorry. Am holding your hand in spirit. Am hoping that you feel surrounded with love.

Catizhere said...

Oh Mayberry.

My deepest most sincere condolences.

Mom101 said...

Oh C I'm so terribly sorry. My thoughts are with you all. Take care of yourself.

Summer said...

You have my deepest sympathies. I lost my first child in similar circumstances, at the same point of pregnancy, after 10 weeks of "something might be wrong" worry and hope, so I have an idea of just how awful you feel right now. I'm so sorry that you and your family have to go through this, and you've got my prayers for comfort and healing.

Mrs. Chicken said...

No words that are of any use, except that I am so, so sorry and you and your special boy will be in my prayers.

So sad for you.

Patois said...

I am so sorry for you, for all of you. I wish he hadn't gone. For sure he knows how much you love him. I hope you know how much he loves you, too.

JGH said...

Oh, I'm so very very sorry. Sending my biggest hugs and condolences.

Karen Rani said...

I'm so very sorry sweetheart. We're all here for you. xoxo

FishyGirl said...

I am so so sorry. Peace be with you.

beth - total mom haircut said...

I'm so sorry. My stomach dropped when I read that first line - it's the last thing I want to read or hear from any mother. But he knows how protected and loved he was for his entire life. He knows that.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Oh honey, I am so so sorry. I thought yesterday that it had been a while since you posted. Big hugs to you. I know you are heartbroken. Thinking of you.

ewe are here said...

Oh no!

I'm so terribly sorry... but I'm glad you realize there was NOTHING you could have done to change the outcome.

I'm so sorry.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I'm so sorry.

Gretchen said...

I am so sorry! I wish I knew what else to say... thinking of you!

Angela said...

I don't know the words to adequately express how sorry I am for your loss, I am so very sorry.

Kate said...

Oh dammit, C. I was so worried that this was what was going on. I know the pain. Have been through it a couple times. My thoughts are with you and your family. So so sorry. (((hugs)))

flutter said...

love to you and yours, I am so so sorry

Kimberly said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Tree said...

My heart breaks for you. Big cyber hugs. Heather has me in tears.

The Redheaded Lefty said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

Christibear said...

You and your family are in my family's prayers tonight.
He loves you too.

Megan {Velveteen Mind} said...

I am so sorry. Words can not convey. Just know that you are and will continue to be in my thoughts. Deeply.

the mama bird diaries said...

I am so sorry. My heart is hurting for you. :)

motherbumper said...

Oh Mayberry, I'm so sorry, so very very sorry. I wish sending virtual hugs could make a difference... I'm thinking of you. xoxo

MadWoman said...

My heart aches for you and your family. That little boy knows how much you love him and he'll hold that love with him.

I'm thinking about you and sending lots of virtual hugs your way.

elswhere said...

Oh, no, I just saw this. So very sorry. Thinking of you.

Christina said...

Oh no! I'm so, so sorry. Hugs to you and your family at this difficult time.

mamatulip said...

My heart goes out to you; I'm so sorry.

Karianna said...

Oh no. Oh no.

Wish I had appropriate words. Just know I have been thinking about you and hoping for peace and healing.

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Oh Cathy. I'm so incredibly sorry. I hope you and your family are hanging in there.

Will be thinking of you.

xox

Vodka Mom said...

my heart is broken right now. I am sending you love.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I am so so sorry. I've been there too.

Alex Elliot said...

I am so sorry.

Lisa said...

Oh sweetheart. I'm crying with and for you right now. Am so angry at the world for you...

Am so very, very sorry. Will email you...

SUEB0B said...

I'm so sorry.

nonlineargirl said...

Somehow your blog got lost from my reader, so I just saw this. I am so saddened by your loss. I wish I could extend my arms to you and hug you. I am just so sorry.

roo said...

Mayberry, I only just read the news--
I'm sorry.

MamaMaven said...

I am horribly behind and just catching up on blog reading. I am so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.