Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Can this marriage be saved?

No, not mine. It's doing OK. Amazing what sleeping through the night 80% of the time, vs. 0%, can do for a couple.

I'm writing a magazine article and I need some input from, as we say in the biz, "real women." If you have anything to share, I'd be grateful. I won't use any names, blog names, or other identifying info; you can comment under your name or anonymously, or send me an email to mayberrymom2006 AT yahoo.

The story is about common problems or situations that can leave you feeling like your marriage is in a rut, or worse:
  • worrying about money
  • an unequal distribution of housework and/or child care
  • feeling more like roommates than lovers
  • holding back on expressing your feelings
  • not spending enough "quality time" together

I'm looking for comments or anecdotes to illustrate those scenarios, and also for any solutions you've found to address them: budgeting for a weekend getaway (or a cleaning service!); doing something new together; etc.

Thanks in advance!

P.S. Is anyone else pronouncing the word "NaBloPoMo" in your head like it rhymes with "Giacomo"? Just wondering.


mothergoosemouse said...

The best remedy I've found yet is to laugh together. It's especially helpful for me, as I tend to take things too seriously when I'm all wrapped up in what needs to be done. Humor can really defuse an escalating situation.

Also, when I'm all wrapped up in what needs to be done, the "roommate" issue rears its head. I find that if I just succumb to the advances, they turn out to be a pretty darn good idea after all.

tallulah said...

I think it is imperative that you have a solid foundation before bringing children in to the picture. Children change everything so drastically including less sleep, more housework and hormonal issues which can in turn, lead to a not-so-great sex life.
I don't think couples can understand how much a child(ren) can change their relationship...for better or for worse.

I have also realized that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. What may appear to be a marriage that is solid is really a facade. All parents are going through the same kind of issues whether it be money, sex, juggling households and work.

I echo mothergoosemouse. Lots and lots of laughter!

Her Bad Mother said...

The best remedy that we've found - good, flexible childcare (in our case, a part-time nanny) that allows us time to stay on top of household management without getting overwhelmed AND allows us a little couple time now and then. Our caregiver is worth her weight in gold to us. No, platinum.

Lady M said...

I feel like I don't know enough yet . . . but here are a few cents anyway.

It's not always possible to afford this, but a lot of arguments or discomfort get started over the (messy) state of the house and who should be doing more cleaning. We have a cleaning service that comes in once every two weeks, and that eliminates a zillion opportunities for conflict.

I echo HBM on the value of good childcare. And really talking to each other, more than you might think is necessary.

Anonymous said...

We got into a rut quite recently where I debated walking out. Not leaving permanently, just walking out so that my husband would wake up from his dazed world.

He was unemployed and, in my opinion, not doing the best that he could to secure a new job that would support the family. I was tired of his daily "search" that was not getting anywhere...and, of course, he refused to listen to my advice.

I finally lost it and railed into him about all my worries, concerns, told him exactly what I thought of his methods, etc. He actually listened, apologized, then asked for my help. When we just talk it out, we really get to a better understanding.

Don't get me wrong we have (and always have had) a strong marriage. The recent stress has just been building up to a point of tension. But we're not letting it get us down.

My husband is currently unemployed again and I am trying to be more patient this time around. We talk all the time about the money, the job hunt, our iminent move. If we just keep it all out on the table and not hide anything, then it really helps the emotions to stay in check during a stressful time.

Nancy said...

What about issues with family? That seems to be a common trigger for marital discord.

I will think about this more.

And yes on the NaBloPoMo pronunciation. ;-)