Wednesday, November 01, 2006

An Open Letter (or Four) to the Trick-Or-Treaters:

Dear Group Of Boys,

While I appreciate that you were celebrating walking door-to-door asking for candy this Halloween, I must say that it wasn't much in the holiday spirit.

One of you never even got off your bicycle. Another had two bags ("this one is...uh...my cousin's"). And yet another one of you, instead of saying "trick or treat!", chomped gum in my face, rolled your eyes, and said, "yeah....", while sticking out a half-full grocery bag.

And you didn't even dress up? And you were all at least 15 years old? And none of you said 'thank you' or 'Happy Halloween'? Come on!

Believe me, kids, I only gave you candy for fear that you would see where my purty new car was parked and return later to harm it if I didn't. Next year? I'm buying stale candy corn JUST.FOR.YOU.

Old And Grumpy,
Chase


Dear Impatient Kids,

Guess what? You can ring a doorbell once and, in
most cases, the homeowner will actually hear it! The first time! For reals! If
it's been only .0053 seconds, there's really no reason to ring it again. And
again. Honest.

And, a special note to the handful of kids who rung it
constantly until I actually opened the door? You can freakin' bite me. Thanks.

Annoyed and a Little Deaf,
Chase

Dear Little Girl Dressed As "a dead bride!",

I fear for your parents. But...cool eyeshadow.

A'Skeered,
Chase


Dear All You Kids,

I hope you like your Red Hots because if I would have
bought chocolate instead, it would have been gone, stuffed deep into my
cavernous mouth before those annoying boys could have even keyed dirty words
into my car door. Sorry, yo.

Gettin' Flabby,
Chase

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!! Next year? Mmmmyeah...prolly turning off my porch light and munching on all the candy myself. Woot!

This post was written by moi, Chase. I'm a 31-year-old single mother of beagles who lives in Oklahoma and dances the Tango nearly as good as Jerry Springer does. You can find me (and Mayberry Mom today!) at www.tastetheworld.org. Come say hi sometime! :)

It's the 1st of the month, so that means it's Blog Exchange time! Visit the BE HQ for links to all the participants and info on how to join in next time.

11 comments:

mothergoosemouse said...

Chase, that's awesome! I called bullshit on a couple of girls who were only wearing sweats, but the rest of the kids we had were fantastic. Please and thank you and trick-or-treat and the whole lot.

The best costumes we saw? A couple little girls in pageboy wigs, eyeshadow, and mink coats - they were Bronco wives!!!

Mayberry said...

I want to add two of my own: Dear boy who took a piece of plain white paper, ripped two eyeholes in it, and held it in place with a knit cap: Nice try.

Dear boy with inflatable sumo wrestler suit: You rock!

K said...

I fear for your parents but nice eye shadow.

LOL.

Anonymous said...

SO true. I had kids who leaned on the bell - and I use the word "kids" loosely (18 and no costume) - even when the lights were out. Uh, that means I am OUT OF CANDY, A-HOLES!

Heather said...

Hilarious! Sorry you had crappy trick-or-treaters. My kids might have been one of the ones who rang the bell multiple times...sorry about that. They were pretty excited.

I love your choice of candy and the reason. I should try that one.

ECR said...

Classic! If we got any trick or treaters, let alone rude ones, I would probably stock up on stale candy corn (just in case) as well. Thanks for the inspiration :)

Binkytown said...

I had one girl say to me "I don't like that" when I held out my starbust packs. I was like 'fine' and shut the door. Have you ever refused candy in your life? The nerve..

Lady M said...

Just read someone family rule: If you're old enough to date, you're too old to Trick or Treat. Choose one or the other!

A. Elliot said...

Great letter! I really like your plan for next year. That's pretty much what I ended up doing this year since we only had 5 trick or treaters. A lot of my friends complain about the kids who don't have costumes.

Jamie said...

We had a teenage couple stop by and after I plopped some candy in their bags the guy (who looked to be 16) says, "Hey, can I have one of those Dora things?"

At first I was like WTF is he talking about but then I realized he meant the Dora fruit snacks.

OK, so first you don't dress up and THEN YOU SPECIFY THE TREAT YOU WANT?

That was the last straw. I turned off the lights and blew out our jackolantern candle after that one.

tallulah said...

Kids with no costume.
No candy.

Teenagers hate my house.