Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Someday

To the as yet unknown true love of my life,

It’s coming on Mother’s Day, and I find that I miss you, now more than usual, in some strange backward manifestation of grief, as if you had been here all along. I’m not sure how or when, but you’ve settled yourself in the deepest seat of my heart, content to wait until we can be together. Not in silence – no, you wait with such clamor and excitement that it’s hardly like waiting at all, but more like an insistence that time move faster and hurry our anticipated meeting. I wonder sometime if you’re the reason my heart beats at all, and I’m scared to realize the power you already hold over me – how much you are already the center of my life.

Sometimes when I lie in bed at night, I close my eyes and I see you. I see your eyes, and they sparkle and shine and I wonder at such brilliance in a simple shade of blue. I see your nose, tiny and pert and perfect – but not – just like mine. I see your wispy tufts of hair, and it reminds me of my father’s at the end, and I wonder if maybe we won’t call you Baby Eaglet too.

But mostly I see your smile, open mouth, not an ounce of self-consciousness, just unaffected joy at something so simple I probably would have missed it without your laughter telling me to notice. I see me in your smile, and my mom, and my sister. But there’s something else too – shades of a man I’ve never met, who will someday change my life. A man who knows you already – just as I do – and sees himself in that smile I love.

I don’t know when we can be together, but I know we will be. I’m frightened sometimes, because I love you so much already, and I don’t know how to love more than this. It hurts my heart sometimes, the intensity of what I feel. And yet I know that when I see you, when I know you even more and feel the reality of you in my arms, my heart will break a thousand times over just trying to make room for everything I will feel. I wonder sometimes if you will completely destroy me, only to build me back up into everything I was ever meant to be.

Some people will never understand how much I love you now, today, years before we even meet. They don’t feel what I feel – they don’t know you like I do. But that’s okay, because it means it’s special, this bond we share: precious and misunderstood and just for us. When I miss you too much, I’ll just hold my hand to my heart and know that you’re there, waiting.

I’m waiting too.

With all my love (and even more than that),

Your Mama

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This post was written by Lara David as a part of the May Blog Exchange about Mother’s Day. Lara is a 20-something writing her way through life one day at a time, constantly discovering that the more she learns, the less she really knows. She loves new friends, so follow along with the ups and downs of her life lessons at Life: The Ongoing Education. Plus, I'm writing over there today, so go visit and leave a friendly word or two.

14 comments:

Cori said...

That was just simply beautiful, thanks for sharing. You'll be a great Mama someday.

Dee said...

Holy cow woman! You just gave me goosebumps reading that. You will make an excellent mama one day. :)

Magpie said...

Lovely post.

cape buffalo said...

lara, you're amazing.

Laura Lohr said...

That is beautiful. I hope you save it to share with your children. How touching and amazing is it to be loved even before conception?

:)

soccer mom in denial said...

I'm just another admirer in the chorus - beautiful.

Mrs. Chicken said...

How lovely. What a mother you will be, indeed.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Lara, that was beautiful. There's nothing else to say but that. Simply beautiful.

Jennifer said...

Ok, I think this was beautiful and I read it twice.

How do you find it to put words together like this? Do they just flow from your mind like this or is this a slow process? How long did this take to write?

Ok, so you shared the best post last month on my site. It was/is amazing still. This is another.... AMAZING!!!

Lady M said...

Lara - A lovely post, as usual!

Mayberry - I love the new look of your blog!

Jenn said...

print this out and save it for your child to read. as has already been said: absolutely beautiful :)

cce said...

That was really lovely. But I hopes someone informs her that there is some frustration and self sacrifice required. No matter how romantic one waxes about the joys of motherhood, there are some very dark days included. I wish someone had told me all that. Not that it would've changed anything but it would've been nice to know.

Lara said...

thank you, everyone, for your words. i really appreciate it! :)

and cce, yes, i definitely acknowledge the darker days of motherhood. but those are sacrifices i am more than willing to make for the love that comes with it. i'm still happy to make that deal. :)

Alex Elliot said...

Wow!