Friday, February 13, 2009

Fine. Well, sort of. You know.

People want to know how I am. How I really am. I appreciate the thought and I wish I could answer them.

I am happy not to be spending every waking moment with a painful, hormone-induced headache.

I am sad when I see my son's face and wonder what his brother would have looked like.

I am relieved that the terribly stressful period when we didn't know if our baby would live or die is over.

I am wondering how I will ever get through the month of June.

I am deeply touched by the supportive comments, emails, cards, flowers, plants, gifts, and food we've received.

I am thankful that I no longer have vicious nausea and heartburn 24/7.

I am discouraged that my body is flabby and lumpy with nothing to show for it.

Mostly, I just feel weird. I've never done this before and I don't know how to do it. For three years I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be having any more babies. I got pretty good at living that way.

Then I was pregnant, and that felt like an altered state, an alternative reality. So not being pregnant feels like a return to normalcy. But denying my son's short life is most certainly not normal.

You see the dilemma.

I'll steal borrow from Casey and tell you that you don't have to tell me you are sorry. She said you could tell her about your favorite sandwich instead. If you want to tell me something, what's your favorite flavor of ice cream? I was sorely tempted by a tub of Americone Dream the other day.


Melisa with one S said...

Favorite flavor? So many.

Bubble Gum.

Mint Chocolate Chip.


Cherry Garcia.

I could be here all day.


Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I am going to say something else.

It gets easier.

The hurt will never completely go away, but it gets better. It gets easier. It hurts less and less.

Grace said...

I just emptied a tub of Dryers Thin Mint. It was delicious, but my very, very favorite is rocky road. Real Rocky Road from Cold Stone with massive chunks of nuts, chocolate, and marshmallow. Hmmm...

I'm so sorry about your son, MM. I don't know that there's ever any "getting over" something like this, just finding comfort and a way to cope. Hugs. Tons and tons of hugs!

Anonymous said...

Ice cream is my friend.

Phish Phood
Cherry Garcia
Butter Pecan
Rocky Road
Moose Tracks
Tin Roof Sundae

I've never met an ice cream I didn't like.

I agree with Sarah. I'll NEVER forget our lost baby, but I won't dwell on the "what-ifs" either.

Mandy said...

It does get easier, as said above. Not really better, just easier. If that makes sense.

As for ice cream:

President's Choice Chocolate Fudge Crackle.

Ben and Jerry's just about anything!

ewe are here said...

I love so many kinds of ice cream, but I have to say that my all-time favorite was a summer fresh peach icecream, with giant pieces of actual fresh peach right in there. To die for.

the mama bird diaries said...

I am sorry and I love mint chocolate chip. Beautiful post.

Heather said...

Archer Farms has an ice cream flavor called Chocolate Overload. It's divine.

mothergoosemouse said...

I wish there was something more I could do than tell you about the pint of Haagen Dazs Pomegranate Chip in my freezer.

Lady M said...

Mint chocolate chip. But I'll trade ice cream for chocolate any day.

Binkytowne said...

Whatever the Ben & Jerrys flavor is with Steven Colbert on it. I wish I had some right now.

PS One day at a time. No worrying about June today...

Leighann said...

Favorite sandwich? Just had it the other day at a wine shop that serves food. The ultimate grilled cheese--challah bread, gooey cheese, apple slices, and fig jam. Poached asparagus on the side. It is possibly the most fabulous thing on the planet.

Ice cream? Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia. I could pound that stuff! I've even had it right at the source. Gotta love Vermont. My cousin worked there one summer and employees get two free pints every shift. Yeah, I would be so huge if I worked there!

Kimberly said...

There is something so comforting about the color of Haagen Dazs' Dulce de Leche. It's sort of warm and happy - all that rich caramel coursing through. OK, now I want some!

It does get easier, but it takes time. Give yourself permission to take that time and feel sad and cry and get angry and all the things that go with it. June is a long time away, focus on things day-by-day.

JGH said...

Haagen Daaz just put out a premium line and one of the flavors is "Fluer de Sel on chocolate covered caramel". That will cure whatever ails you. xoxo

Lisa said...

What a great idea. Talk of ice cream...

That Ben & Jerry's Phish food is orgasmically delish.

Thinking of you lots.

jen said...


i don't know where the hell i've been or why my reader hasn't been updating your posts.

today, i caught up the last month of your writing.

i am sitting here in tears, belated ones and sending thought and love you perhaps could have used nearly three weeks ago.

oh honey. i am so terribly, terribly sorry.

the calm before the stork said...

Thank you for giving me another way to send my love:

mint chip
cherry garcia
butter brickle


vanilla bean with hot chocolate sauce.

SUEB0B said...

My mom's favorite is Americone Dream. Every once in a while I will pick up my phone messages to hear her say 'Honey, if you're in the neighborhood, can your bring some American ice cream?" I know what she means.

Me? Haagen Dazs Fleur de Sel Caramel OMMMMMG.

Patois said...

Not a big ice cream fan, I'm afraid. Maybe it's the brain freeze. (No, that doesn't explain why I still guzzle margaritas.)

And you're still in my thoughts, you.

Christibear said...

Baseball Nut! I wait impatiently every year for baseball season to begin so Baskin-Robbins will put it out. Godiva chocolate makes awesome ice cream too.
January 26th, 1999. Still sneaks up on me and I still feel blue, easier but I will never forget.
Much love and prayers going your way.

Leslie said...

Twice in the past several years, this would have been just the right friendly, tasty, curiosity-inducing and conversation-starting question for for me to pose to caring people.
Breyer's Strawberry is the real thing. And I've never met a scoop of coconut that I didn't like.

Kate said...

Chocolate with cookie crumble. Yum.

(And time is your friend with this one. It will get easier)

mamatulip said...

Mint chocolate chip.

God, I love it.

(and I'm thinking of you.)