Thursday, February 26, 2009

This week in grief

It's been almost six weeks now and most of the time I am holding up fine. I think about my son all the time, but it's an undercurrent as I go about my day. I no longer can quite keep track of how many weeks pregnant I would be. But there are always moments, things I see or hear or read that tip me unexpectedly into a puddle of sorrow and regret.

Most recently it was the song "For Good" from Wicked. Looking at the lyrics now, they strike me as trite, but they hit a nerve nonetheless. Because I do wonder, often, what Lesson I am supposed to have learned from this experience. Is it presumptuous, or just premature, to think that I should take something away, that I deserve to get something out of it? That I ought to be wise enough to figure out what that something is? Is that too much pressure for my baby's tiny shoulders, or my own?

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

I may not know exactly how far along I should be now, but I do picture, often, what would be happening now if our boy had lived, what I'd be doing and feeling. I expect I always will. I see three paths, three versions of my life--the one where I have a healthy, typical pregnancy and baby; the one where I have a child with disabilities, and am suddenly thrust into a new world of medical and educational and emotional challenges; and the one where I am missing a child. It's all very Sliding Doors.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
--lyrics by Stephen Schwartz

Changed for good? That much is clear, even if not much else is.


Anonymous said...

reading those lyrics made get all teary-eyed.
Yeah, it always sort of bothered me when people told me that "losing the baby was for the best" yeah, 'cause what good could possibly come from a baby?

I know that it's not meant to be hurtful and people mean well, but that's not what I needed to hear.

Granted, if that baby had made it, we wouldn't have Will (who is the light of my life right now, he's so damn FUNNY!).

I wish you peace and healing.


mothergoosemouse said...

I can't know how you're feeling, but I can identify closely with feeling changed. Maybe it's too soon to know what that change really is or what it means.

I hope you continue to go easy on yourself.

jodifur said...

oh that song is not trite, it has a different meaning for me, it makes me think of the man who saved my life.

I'm so glad it brings meaning to you. And I hope you allow yourself the time you need to grieve. It's ok to just be sad.

Magpie said...

"changed for good" is a nice way to put it. hopeful, you know.

justmylife said...

That brought tears to my eyes. I wish you peace and healing.

the mama bird diaries said...

A beautiful post.

Lady M said...

Hugs. Lots of them.

Patois said...

Your eloquence through your grief is astounding. I'm a sucker for any lyrics that strike a chord with someone. I can see how those spoke to you.

Hugs and prayers from me to you.

JGH said...

Those lyrics do so beautifully apply to grief. Thanks for sharing them. Sending healing thoughts and hugs.

Binkytowne said...

I think that song sums it up perfectly and I think it's absolutely natural to look for an answer or a reason why this happened.

It takes a long time for the heart to make sense of something like this. Thinking of you, as always.

Christibear said...

I "Sliding Doors" myself all the time. Nice to know I'm not that odd afterall.

Melisa with one S said...

One of my favorite songs of all time. I've seen Wicked three times and just reading the lyrics here practically sent me into hysterics: the words are so powerful.


Mandy said...

So eloquently written.

Hugs and healing thoughts from across the border.

Kate said...

((Hugs)) What a beautiful post. Following you through all this, it sounds like by this post you are entering another stage. Which is moving on. Getting better. Starting to heal with what can be gained from this experience.

davy boy said...

i remember that "sliding doors" feeling well...i spent a long time fighting against the reality of the train i was on, and trying to figure out how to make meaning out of so much hurt and sorrow.

in the end, the fact that he changed me and deepened my understanding of being human and mother and hurting turned out to be meaning enough.

wishing you peace.

nonlineargirl said...

I think it is a lot to put on yourself that you "should" learn something, and that you just have to figure out what that is. I am not one to believe that things happen for a reason, so maybe I am not a good one to ask. You may learn something, but that does not make it okay.

TB said...

Finding comfort in song lyrics isn't trite. Take comfort wherever you can find it.
Peace to you.

Mrs. Wheezer said...

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.